i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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