Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
