the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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