she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
