yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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