what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
