just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize