just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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