At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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