i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
