What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
