I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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