the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
