what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
