two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
