I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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