I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
