last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
