foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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