He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
