I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
