How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
