i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
