You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
