I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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