I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
