Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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