You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
