Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
