I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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