He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
