Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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