If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize