I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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