I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
