Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
