I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
