I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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