just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're too hungover to prance.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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