I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
