theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
