I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
