so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
