I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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