Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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