So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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