Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
