I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you would pick up someone in the library
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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