I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
