Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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