Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
