I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
