I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
