i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
