Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
