This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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