you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
