This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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