Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
