Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
