Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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