i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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