i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
